Sunday, June 28, 2009

Seeds of a Dream Take Root

Good news came this week in the form of a large white envelope bearing my name spelled correctly. It seems I'm starting school on August 24th. What a huge relief.

I applied for the Addiction Counseling program at MCTC (apparently the oldest in MN) for the same reason I started this blog...to transmutate the power of addiction into one of a permanent recovery that involves all that I love, both knowingly and mysteriously. Facing down chemical dependency will be the biggest thing many, many people will have to accomplish in life, simply to have a life. The task is enormously frightening and requires a staggering amount of honesty, energy, humility and patience. These are traits the addict has buried under copious amounts of lies, sloth, ego and intolerance.

I spent many years studying psychology and spirituality, yet could not act upon these studies for the aforementioned reasons. Once the time finally came in April to accept the time as NOW, I had an arsenal of resources at my disposal and was able to slay the beast in an extremely reasonable amount of time. I know that this is not the case for the majority of those suffering. This is why I want to help. In just over two months the world has turned for me in so many ways that before I could only dream about. It is with this in mind that everyday I wish could remind the other troubled souls that life, love, dreams, hope and fulfillment is still theirs. That none of those things have ever gone away because God will never take them from us. It is simply up to us to rediscover them, somewhere beneath the layers of an erroneous life. We all had aspirations as children, whatever they may have been. There were dreams of space travel, the presidency, great paintings and sculptures, baseballs and bats, music and words, true love and eternity, husbands, wives, children and world peace. Life gives what you put in, and I choose to put in my heart.

This just came to me and it may well be my new motto: Still we can dream with innocence, but now we can act with maturity.

Have a great Sunday.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Monday, June 22, 2009

When Dreams Act As Revelations (Part 2)

The realization came about two weeks ago that all of this effort to come clean of alcohol addiction was only going to work if I was to give up the other, and at times more powerful and harmful, habit...tobacco. Now I had dropped this in the past and felt as though I could do it again, even while shedding the burden of alcohol. Well, really, I needed to be honest with myself and admit that the pride of being alcohol-free only meant so much if I still smoked. I would still be chemically dependent, right? So on Wednesday, June 3, I became officially smoke-free.

Oh, I was proud, anxious and excited. The first day went by well enough and I glided through treatment the next. It wasn't until AA Thursday night when I let my group know of my decision that the guys, almost in unison, exclaimed "they say you shouldn't do both at the same time", "you'll be back to doing one or the other" and not exactly supportive things as such. I was surprised, especially since these are the same guys that say almost every other night how exactly evil smoking is. As disheartening as this was, I knew deep down it was the only way to go, and if I wasn't going to do it now, I would always find an excuse to procrastinate in the future. I had the power to overcome the urge, and I took everything I had learned in the previous weeks with me to the fight.

That night I was enjoying more than 24 hours clean, and went to bed for the first time in a long, long while without even the thought or urge. This is where my overactive mind comes into play, much like it did in the first days of becoming alcohol-free. I did not consider the previous dream before I went to bed, yet when the actual moment came I knew what I was facing. This particular dream was not nearly as involved as the first time around but it provided the same amount of relief.

This was a simple, single outdoor scene with dull colors on the verge of black-and-white. Two men approached me, one with no real distinguishable features and the other looking like Rocky Balboa had really let himself go. Potbelly, disheveled clothing, wild hair black as coal (significant color), unshaved and surly. This character walks up to me, sticks his finger in my face and shouts that he will proceed to kick my ass in the next couple days, apparently when I least expect it. There was the very brief instance of "what the hell" that quickly turned to into an incredible amount of disgust, anger and resistance boiling up inside me. "Let's just do this right now!" I shouted. I was going to deal with this fool on my terms and not wait around for him to trip me up. I began to rip off layers and layers of jackets, sweatshirts, and t-shirts (so many!) all the while letting it be known that it was I that would be walking away from this confrontation in one piece. The expression on his face was one of the bully that never gets stood up to, but when it finally happens he needs to change his pants. It was absolute confusion, and he kept looking to his partner for an explanation. It was all over before it even came to blows.

I woke up with a very pleasant smile knowing full well what just happened. I felt completely free. By simply standing up for myself I had defeated this unkempt and uncivil character supposedly hell-bent on defeating me. To me, he was the embodiment of the cigarette habit. He was dirty, unhealthy, and his hair so black and twisted I knew it right away. It is said that the first three days without tobacco are the hardest, and considering I had 24 hours under my belt this would explain why he threatened to whoop me in the next forty-eight.

So here it is, eighteen days later...


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Friday, June 12, 2009

Stone by Stone


This weekend marks the two-month milestone in my journey of sobriety (not coincidentally at all, next Friday is my last day of treatment!) Two months sure isn't a great amount of time compared to the thirty-six years spent on this Earth, but as with knowledge, time is what you make of it. It seems there have been more personal accomplishments in these 60 days than in the past 6,000, and to a certain extent that might not be too far off. Taking a good long look at things, all those years have provided the material with which to build a solid foundation, but only with the tools God has given. One significant lesson that these past eight weeks has taught (especially the court process!) is the importance of patience. Patience is fundamental when designing and constructing a foundation, unless longevity is not of concern. The redwood cannot grow to its majestic height without the incredible root system that both anchors and nurtures. The greatest part of this task is that the plans and methods for a solid infrastructure are already here inside of us, but we must understand our role in the universe in order for those plans to be revealed. Someone said recently that it is the ultimate sign of egomania to say one knows how the universe works. In defense of his statement I say yes, it is, but in my own defense I say we don't have to concern ourselves with anything outside of what WE do in the universe. If we hold up our end of the bargain and conduct ourselves in a proper manner, everything else will fall into place. Quite a nice feeling when you have such an intimate relationship with the most amazing power imaginable, right?

Lately even the bad days possess a moment of beauty and relief, no matter how brief. It could be as simple as the first rush of fresh air, the seeds of the cottonwood trees that float upon the current of that fresh air, or laughing at yourself instead of becoming irritated. Every day holds something to learn from, to be thankful for, to handle with dignity, to add to the foundation, to laugh at, to share, and to remember forever. With this in mind one learns the single-day milestone is every bit as important as the larger ones.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Land of 10,000 Dreams

The following is a piece I wrote this morning as part of the application to my ideal job as a substance abuse writer for a regional website. Honestly, it made me cry.

From January to June of 2008 alone, nearly 10,000 citizens of the Minneapolis/St. Paul area were admitted into chemical dependency treatment programs. In that same period there were over 5,000 drug-related visits to local emergency rooms (sadly, over 2,000 of said visits were for underage drinking.) These staggering numbers are indicative of a society in desperate need of reform in the manner in which its populace enters and matures.

Too easily those in CD treatment are viewed as the lower-class dregs of our society. Quite the opposite is true. These are 10,000 troubled spirits, 10,000 misguided souls, 10,000 dreams waiting to be realized. Every addict carries the hope for something better. Whether that vision is a place to call home, a family, a stable job, health insurance, or simply to live a clean and sober life, the potential is in everyone to realize that goal.

It has become clear to me that addiction stems largely from a lack of true spirituality. The use of chemicals offers a false sense of fulfillment, relief, happiness, inspiration, compassion, empathy, and worth, to name a few. Such satisfaction can only truly be achieved by a personal understanding of the spirit that surrounds us and resides within us. Tackling the problem of alcohol and street drugs strictly through law does nothing to address the underlying issue of addiction and its impact on our society. First and foremost a sense of purpose in life needs to be imbued before addictive transgressions are allowed to manifest themselves. This is a tender endeavor as everyone possesses their own psychological make-up. Spirituality cannot be forced but only nurtured.

The Bible says we are here to hold dominion over the Earth, but I feel our Earth-bound mentality has kept us from understanding the greatest of God’s laws…love.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Thursday, June 4, 2009

IPO

Today is the day, as they say. In the mad midst of employment searching, I've been inspired to add a new, business-style angle to my recovery endeavor. I'm establishing my life on the Spiritual Stock Exchange, and this is my IPO. A blog such as this, while quite therapeutic for the author, can only realize its true purpose if shared with others. It is, to me, and invaluable commodity and a necessary service. As long as I stay with my current strategy, the value of this stock can only increase.

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